Haunted

I dont know why... I feel so uneasy these days...
And its probably because i missed a lot of prayers and then everything just came rushing back to me.
Killing me.

One thing is related to penknives...
I know that i said i have already stopped but the thing is, i am often haunted by it. Its just that all this while, i manage to stop myself from doing it. But i'm not so sure about this time round...
I had a mini project that i was up to, and it requires me to use a penknife to cut something.
The best thing is, i am using it without the retractable thingy. Yupp just the knife itself.
I know its kinda crazy and thats why i gave up on that project and switched to another.
But even after that, the image of that knife keeps popping up in my mind. Then this morning i saw my dad using it, the same way that i did. The temptation was greater than ever and thank God my Dad was there, so i didnt dare to do it, but the knife was already in my hands and inches away from my wrist.
And the crazy thing is, right after i woke up after my short nap, the first thing that came to my mind was that stupid thing. And thats not the only thing that troubles me. I had all the flashback images running in my head. All the images from the past and especially those that i hate myself for it. Remembering about it is so horrible, its a horrible feeling. And as i'm typing here, i am crying. Disappointed with myself for it.
And right now, i am disappointed with myself, for not being able to resist the urge alone, making others worried.
But please dont be worried, that thing is nowhere near me.
I think the condition wont be as bad as this if i didnt have some friends harbouring thoughts of hurting themselves too. When i come across all these things, it gives me the idea to do it and duhh obviously i dont want to but very tempted to.
And oyeah, crying and writing about it makes me feel better. I just need to let it out and PRAY! Praying is my medicine!
But the period isnt over.
Im still thinking about it. shuckkks!!